Can you hold two realities in your bear hands?
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Dear Reader,
These days, I am in pain both psychically and mentally. While I am struggling hard (and frankly making my parents really worried), I am also proud of myself. Sometimes, I am drowning in the sea of anxious thoughts, and sometimes, I am at the beach watching the waves from a-far. I am talking to my therapist weekly. I am digging into topics I ignored my whole life because they were just too uncomfortable to look in the eye.
I keep asking myself “What is this experience trying to teach me? And than I am trying to give compassion to myself for not knowing that lesson before. I am reminding myself that I always do my best every single day with everything I know at that time.
In Altmba, this week we were talking about how irrational we are, how our decisions are tainted with biases etc. But we were doing this with a twist. That is what I love about this whole workshop. We were doing it understanding that based on where people are coming from, with the experiences they had, all the thing they learnt and believe, they are acting rationally. Our challenge this week was to explore how someone who is opposed to an idea we support might be just about right.
For those who know me can guess, one of the biggest parts of my identity is to be a feminist. But, my ex-boyfriend didin’t believe in patriarchy or that gender inequality existed anymore in west. He openly criticized equity policies in workplaces which I thought were necessary due to unconscious biases we all have. For which, I felt offended and accused him for not seeing his privilege. This lead to heated arguments and ended up forcing us to never ever discussing issues related to gender equality or equity.
The difference between equality/ equity is that gender equality advocates for equal opportunities for each gender while equity acknowledges that minority groups were dealt with a lower hand in life and tries to level the playing field.
Image: Techpluto
So I decided to write a story on how we grow up, things we experienced, learnt and believe might have brought us to the present day with contradictory ideas. I wanted to understand where my discomfort was coming from. A discomfort so big that I loved how this blog post referred to as “being tickled to the point you begged for it to stop”. So here is it. Here is the story.
Roads Uncrossed
She was born in a small town in Turkey.
She got the surname of her father.
He was born in the capital of Spain and got two surnames:
One from his mother and one from his father.
She was safe inside of her home and was afraid outside.
He was safe outside and fearful inside of his home.
She desperately searched for role models always turning out empty-handed.
He believed everything was possible if you worked really hard.
She grow up hearing stories of femicides-often from women who previously put restraining orders, feeling so confused as to why law was not protecting those women.
He heard about a friend who was falsely accused of abuse spending nights in jail until holding trial, feeling confused as to why law was taking women's word unquestioned and not protecting those men.
She thought an angry man can hurt me at any moment.
He thought an angry woman can ruin my life at any moment.
She saw women staying in marriages because they can’t afford to leave. Economic independence was not a given.
He saw women taking more money than they need after divorce using children as leverage.
She had to rebel against her parents to become an industrial engineer and even than she unconsciously chose the least technical field.
He saw his female peers getting paid to choose software engineering in college, thinking “why on earth are we paying them if they didin’t want to become engineers in the first place?”.
She saw just a few woman CEOs and got overwhelmed with the need to be exceptional to get there. Life became a test to measure whether she got what it takes or not.
He saw the companies he wanted to work for putting quotas and felt resentful that a female peer who hasn’t worked as much as him or who is not as competent as him could get the job.
She grow to understand we live in a patriarchal world. There are many many reasons for it.
He grow to mock people who believe in patriarchy. He thought “How can they think men conspired against women to hold the power in their hands? I just don’t buy it.”
She grow up to understand her almost compulsive need to be liked, be accommodating and not threatening are not individualistic characteristics but a shared experience of many.
He grow up to understand “There are winners and losers in life and it’s all about how much effort you put in."
She resented him. She thought he disregards her reality.
He resented her. He thought his achievements and efforts were taken for granted.
They could not hold the two realities in their bear hands.
Holding two opposite ideas inside oneself is mostly famous by the quote of F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless yet be determined to make them otherwise.”
It’s uncomfortable. It’s hard work. Its necessary for the kind of future we want to have as humanity. It applies to everything you hold on to, each of your most concrete beliefs. Because without seeing the other side and their “rationality”, you can’t relate, you can’t expand. You can’t influence change. This work requires being comfortable with discomfort. Being ok with the pressure while you are free diving into someone else’s life and point of view.
So, this week I have new section for you and its all about exploring the grey zone we call life. Please let me know if you like it or not.
Love,
FLUX
Welcome to the newest section of Flux newsletter: “What am I _?” I will share questions, things I am reading, listening etc. Hope you enjoy!
What am I ___?
Questioning ❓
Can we hold two opposite ideas in our bear hands?
Imagine something that is very important to you. Now imagine the person who doesn’t believe what you believe. How is that person right? This is not to change your mind and disregard your reality but to realise how their story also makes sense. Take 5 min this Sunday morning and think about it. Would love to hear your ideas in the comments.
Reading 📚
From psychological perspective: Read this if you want to learn more about psychological concept called “cognitive dissonance”. It happens when we have contradictory ideas about ourselves inside our heads.
Listening 🎧
From coaching perspective: Listen if you want to have practical exercises and perspectives on personal growth through the lens of cognitive dissonance.
Watching 🕶
From mindfulness/spiritual perspective: Watch/listen if you practice mindfulness or have a regular spiritual practice. I love Eckhart Tolle and his humorous way of explaining things.
Thank you for staying until the end. I would appreciate if you shared FLUX with people who you think might enjoy.
Let me know if you liked it and what would you like to read in the future.