There is an unsung song in me.
A book not published.
An idea that has never been shared.
A perfect storm inside waiting to be released into life.
I feel it’s presence in the stillness of green
in the knowing inside complete silence.
I can hear it's calling through the aching of my bones
heaviness in my chest and the shortness of my breath.
It is almost as if my sensations are the only way it can shout:
“I am here! I am ready to come to life.”
A deep knowing of who I was meant to be, who I really am, who I could become.
But I can’t accept that it is already inside me.
It feels like it’s in the void. It is the furthest star. It is at the peak.
Any effort I would make would amount to a single sand at the beach.
It feels like the journey would be the death of me.
And who am I to leave behind a perfectly privileged life? Who am I to dare to adventure? Who am I to think I can give birth to something new?
Despair is what I was dealt with in life. Never being content is my punishment for being alive.
OR is there a chance my discontent is my north star?
OR is there a chance that it’s my life’s work to shape that rock that is me until every hidden story is visible outside?
Maybe, just maybe, I am ready to die as many times I need to be really alive.
I know who I really am. I am love, I am awareness, I am presence. I write, I run, I hike, I create, I connect, I tell stories to embody what I really am. My purpose in life is to transcend and teach as many people as possible to do so.
But, let me describe you my Friday night & Saturday morning. I ate brownies watching “Friends” and fell asleep in a bed that had clothes inside that I was supposed put into the wardrobe but was too lazy to do so. I slept almost 12 hours, forced myself back to sleep multiple times because facing another day felt too exhausting. I had a healthy breakfast and was able to resist my temptation to put on “Friends” again, until I saw the brownies I got yesterday looking back at me. I ate brownies until I felt too heavy to function. Now, I had an excuse to go back to bed and delay actually living for another day.
When you try to grow, you are taught that you need to build habits, put in place systems that will help you execute every day. You understand that you are going to have to do things even if you don’t feel like it. You are going to stay consistent no matter what. They tell you that everybody feels resistance to change & grow but you are just going to move past it with the systems and habits you put in place.
I don’t think this is enough. I don’t think you get to move forward consistently until you study your Resistance, understand the unique expressions it manifests for you.
Resistance is universal and everybody feels it. It has almost the same features for everyone:
It is invisible. It is the negative force you only feel but can not see when you try doing anything that will be at your highest good.
It masks itself under self-doubt, victim mindset, excuses, “destination” myth, “perfect timing” myth, “not good enough” myth, “right” decision myth. It is any thought that comes to your mind when you dare to even think you can do or be something different.
But until you understand sneaky-personal ways Resistance manifests for you, you can never move forward to build the consistency that you seek to build.
I recently realized there are two main forms Resistance shapes into to repel me, like the dementors in the wizarding world turn into the biggest fears of their prays.
Fear of loneliness, not fitting in.
I am afraid to lose who I am now. I lost an identity over a year ago and it was the most painful experience I ever had. I feel like the next steps that I am going to take will alienate me even more and I will become lonelier. I stopped fitting in the minute I stopped pretending so hard. The next phase will exile me from the world as I know it. I will have to hold my ground against anyone & everyone’s opinions. They will also lose Sinem as they know it. It will be confusing and I will have to hold on to my beliefs about the person who I was meant to be for dear life.
Not feeling worthy enough for good things unless I grind my ass to achieve them.
I realized this when I took a weekend trip to Faro, Portugal and set by the beach after two whole years. I kept telling myself “You didn’t deserve this. You haven’t been working hard lately. You were not present at work.”
I realized I don’t think I deserve things to be easy, fun & light until I grind & suffer to achieve them. I can also never seem to grind & achieve enough as there is always more. That leaves me with the feeling of undeserving any good thing in my life that comes naturally to me. It also forces me to think I can’t get things I want because I simply don’t have time or energy to grind as hard as I think I need to.
Understanding my Resistance is half of the battle. I need to come to terms with my fear of loneliness & my belief of being undeserving of good things. I need to process them in a way that will let me move forward. I recognize that fear will never go away and I will have to make my peace with the fear itself to move forward. That is the real work, to strike a deal with the fear itself. I know that doing so is the key to my consistency practice.
So today my question to you is this:
What are you really afraid of leaving behind if you decide to grow & change?
What do you believe that is holding you back from doing hard things for yourself?
In these questions lie the sneaky truth about your Resistance.
Welcome to the newest section of Flux newsletter: “What am I _?” I will share questions, things I am reading, listening etc. Hope you enjoy!
What am I ___?
Reading 📚
Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.
“In other words, any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term grown, health, or integrity. Or, expressed another way, any act that derives from our high nature instead of our lower. Any of these will elicit Resistance.”
“Resistance obstructs movement only from a lower sphere to a higher. It kicks in when we seek to pursue a calling in the arts, launch an innovative enterprise, or evolve to a high station morally, ethically, or spiritually.”
“What does Resistance feel like? First, unhappiness. We feel like hell. A low-grade misery pervades everything. We’re bored, we’re restless. We can’t get no satisfaction. There’s guilt but we can’t put our finger on the source. We want to go back to bed; we want to get up and party. We feel unloved and unlovable. We’re disgusted. We hate our lives. We hate ourselves. Unalleviated, Resistance mounts to a pitch that becomes unendurable. At this point vices kick in. Dope, adultery, web surfing.”
“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”
“Our job in this life is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.”
“The artist committing himself to his calling has volunteered for hell, whether he knows it or not. He will be dining for the duration on a diet of isolation, rejection, self-doubt, despair, ridicule, contempt, and humiliation.”
“We fear discovering that we are more than we think we are. More than our parents/children/teachers think we are. We fear that we actually possess the talent that our still, small voice tells us. That we actually have the guts, the perseverance, the capacity. We fear that we truly can steer our ship, plant our flag, reach our Promised Land. We fear this because, if it’s true, then we become estranged from all we know. We pass through a membrane. We become monsters and monstrous.”
“It’s better to be in the arena, getting stomped by the bull, than to be up in the stands or out in the parking lot.”
“Of any activity you do, ask yourself: If I were the last person on earth, would I still do it?”
“The most pernicious aspect of procrastination is that it can become a habit. We don't just put off our lives today; we put them off till our deathbed. Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. This second we can turn the tables on Resistance. This second, we can sit down and do our work.”
“We’re all pros already. 1) We show up every day 2) We show up no matter what 3) We stay on the job all day 4) We are committed over the long haul 5) The stakes for us are high and real 6) We accept remuneration for our labor 7) We do not overidentify with our jobs 8 ) We master the technique of our jobs 9) We have a sense of humor about our jobs 10) We receive praise or blame in the real world”
“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome.”
“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it. Begin it now." — W. H. Murray,”
“The professional dedicates himself to mastering technique not because he believes technique is a substitute for inspiration but because he wants to be in possession of the full arsenal of skills when inspiration does come.”
Listening 🎧
The Tim Ferriss Show Episode “Elizabeth Gilbert’s Creative Path: Saying No, Trusting your Intuition, Index Cards, Integrity”
Elizabeth Gilbert is a go-to when we talk about creative living.
“We live in a culture that says you should be able to power through anything. Life will very generously remind you that you cannot, and it will very generously break you at times and very generously show you.”