Truth Corner
I tell the truth about my life in this corner. I tell the truth about who I am & what I experience.
All my life, from the time I started socializing until a week ago, I was never enough.
First, I was not cute enough.
Than, I became not fun enough.
Not compassionate enough,
beautiful enough, sportsy enough, interesting enough, sexy enough, succesful enough, resilient enough… The list just went on and on.
Every minute of my life was a test. I either failed or passed. Each failure fed the “not enoughness” monster. I got bitter & envious.
What you don’t want others to know about you?
I was recently asked this question and the answer opened the pandora’s box.
I didin’t want others to know that I got envious sometimes and that I needed a lot of validation.
I was envious because everyone looked whole & complete while I was broken and yearning.
I looked at other people and thought, if only I had your shiny parts, maybe than I would be enough, worthy, whole & loveable.
This profound sense of lack dominated my whole life. I needed big & shiny accomplishments and grand stories to make up for empty parts of me.
Seth Godin recently wrote a short blog post called “And maybe it’s enough”.
To feel sufficient, to be satisfied with what we have: Chisoku in Japanese.
Of course, by some measures, there’s never enough. We can always come up with a reason why more is better, or better is better, or new is better or different is better.
Enough becomes a choice, not a measure of science.
The essence of choice is that it belongs to each of us. And if you decide you have enough, then you do.
And with that choice comes a remarkable sort of freedom.
Acting out from a place of lack, endlessly trying to get better just so I can feel “enough” or worthy just doesn’t work.
It is not sustainable. It doesn’t bring prolonged peace. You always fail.
So if enough becomes a choice, what if we decided that we are enough, just the way we are, at where we are?
Would there come a sense of clarity on what matters most? What we actually want to do vs. what we think we need to do because we are trying to reach places to prove we are enough.
Would there be a clearing in the dense forest of our lives to be finally present with what is?
This is what I am choosing to believe. I choose to believe that I am enough, worthy and loveable just the way I am at this very moment.
What comes next will come from a place of self-respect, self-love & sheer curiosity for the first time in my life.
I can’t wait to see.
Can you see your not-enoughness monster?
How is it fucking up your life?
Does life feel like a test sometimes or what does feel like a test for you?
Can you see that enough can be a decision?
Can you make that decision?
Little Gems
These are little gems that I want to share with you, enjoy!
A quote I am obsessed with:
“There is only one world, the world pressing against you at this minute. There is only one minute in which you are alive, this minute here and now. The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.”
―Storm Jameson
A book passage worth reading:
We are uncomfortable because everything in our life keeps changing—our inner moods, our bodies, our work, the people we love, the world we live in. We can’t hold on to anything—a beautiful sunset, a sweet taste, an intimate moment with a lover, our very existence as the body/mind we call self—because all things come and go. Lacking any permanent satisfaction, we continuously need another injection of fuel, stimulation, reassurance from loved ones, medicine, exercise, and meditation. We are continually driven to become something more, to experience something else.
Caught in the trance of unworthiness, our desires fixate on soothing, once and for all, our anxiety about imperfection.
We perpetually lean into the next moment, hoping it will offer the satisfaction that the present moment does not.
we feel “away from our star,” away from the life, awareness and love that is the essence of who we are.
Radical Acceptance- Tara Brach
A wise Youtube video/podcast to watch:
This is the best podcast on introduction to spirituality & conciousness. Michael Singer is amazing at explaning complex topics really really simple.
A poem to make you wander:
Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself to this world
so worthy of rescue.
by Martha Postlethwaite