Last year, I promised myself that I would measure my days according to how kind I was to myself instead of how much I produced.
Last week, I found myself saying “I don’t think I am worthy enough when I have anxiety & depression. I will not produce as much as normal people thus I will not be as worthy!”.
From the start, the real journey was always one of self-compassion, self-love and kindness. It was to disentangle my worth from achievement.
Somewhere along the way I fell into the trap of success & productivity all over again. It shapeshifted, hidden instead words like purpose, impact, excellence, passion. I realised I always create impossible standards for myself and fail to achieve them all the fucking time.
Any step I take out of perceived lack will be impermanent, I will always fall back into the arms of self-judgement.
I will never be enough or worthy, if I don’t believe everyone is inherently like that.
How do I believe I am enough & worthy as I am, when my worth is very much correlated with my production in this structure of society?
How about people who are not “able” to produce as much?
I want to be able to say, yes I have anxiety and low energy days and that is ok. I am still enough, I am still worthy.
But I am so far away from it. I judge myself for all the things I wasn’t able to do in the last two months. That judgement builds up to depressive episodes and that leads to more judgement. I run a never ending negative cycle.
The only way out of this cycle is one of radical acceptance, self compassion and curiosity.
It is about loving myself hard.
So this newsletter was written in the waiting room of my flight the night before it is sent to you.
It is not the best or the brightest.
It is merely a reflection of where I am right now.
I hope you give yourself grace for all the things you couldn’t do this weekend as well.
Love,
Flux